Re: Flare guns and fishbowls full of liquor...

I have a nagging suspicion that I just might soon be a terrible hypocrite. See, in the (hopefully) near future I'll be berating students of my own and begging them to behave. However, I am still wo[nd]e[r]fully immature myself and constantly getting into more shenanigans than any of my future students could ever imagine in their wildest dreams.

We need to invest in a globe

Holly: "What's this movie called again?"

Me: "Poltergeist."

Holly: "Oh..."

[...]

Holly: "So what's a Portuguese, then?"

I wish the batteries in my camera were charged

Church signs that I spotted but didn't have a chance to snap:

Only one messiah has an empty grave.

In the dark? Follow the Son!

A church is a gift from God. Assembly required.

Ask about our pray as you go plan.

Free life insurance, inquire within.

Little golden pearls

Anytime I see, hear, or suddenly remember something that I don't want to forget, I quickly type it out as a text message and save it as a draft in my cell. Over the past few months, about half of those drafts have become (somewhat) substantial blog posts, but the others...

Well, here they are now:

• Audition [I really want to see this.]
• Dramastically [Just an awesome made-up word of secret origin.]
• Testicular fortitude [--Stewie or Brian of Family Guy, I forget which.]
  
• "Turlet"* sounds like a breed of snail.--Holly
  
• Holly: If you could have anything right now, what would it be? Holly's friend: A giraffe.
• Never try to read Douglas Adams while intoxicated. [It's just good advice, trust me.]
  

*"Turlet" being a deliberate mispronunciation of "toilet."

Opening for Cherry Bomb Big Shot!:

(Band name ideas)

• Mollusk
• Scrounge
• Magic Bathtub
• Gutwrench
• The Flying Buttresses

Fuck you, Hallmark

Tormented by the prospect of finding my (step)father--who never wants anything--a gift for Father's Day, you can imagine my relief when I stumbled upon a copy of Smokey and the Bandit* and a talking Larry the Cable Guy card that proclaims, "It's better to burp and taste it than to fart and waste it." However, my relief was short-lived as I realized two days later that I had completely forgotten about Sperm Donor.* Imagine my relief, again, when I found a freedom-U.S.-eagle themed t-shirt in his size. However, this relief was ALSO short-lived when today I suddenly remembered that I now have a new stepfather. I've searched high and low but I just can't find a card that says, "Congrats on nailing my mom for the past week!" Any other ideas?

*Did you know there's a whole trilogy???
**My biological father

Botox

Can't touch this

=)

Why did the cow cross the road?

Holly and I encountered this escaped cow on our way home a few days ago. Notice how all the other cows are gazing longingly, wishing for their own freedom.

No fears, we reported the escapee to its owners and it's been herded back home to safety. (Some have said that it was cruel to "keep the cows down," but if we hadn't gotten it locked back up, it would probably have ended up as asphalt hamburger).

Ouch

Wow, Mom

My mom is an eloper.

Huh?

I just learned via text message that I've had a new stepfather as of 30 minutes ago. A stepfather to whom I've never even been introduced. Go figure.

Nine

Awesome clouds lately.

ROBOyfriend

I love this guy.

Ass

Why won't that donkey be my friend?

Guess we'd better leave our atomic bombs in the car

Ignore my skinny chicken legs please.

Question:

When did it become okay for (presumably) straight guys to wear anklets?

Just wondering here.

Things I wish I hadn't learned

• My stepfather used to be a taxidermist.
• Weenie dogs make nice pillows.
  

Bam! Pow! Sham-wow!

I woke up the other morning with a strange desire to see Billy Mays and Emeril Lagasse fight to the death.

Yes, I know I spelled "grey" with an "e"

18 hours/week in class + 35 hours spent in student teaching field experience + approx. 10 hours/week of additional school time = my first grey hair.

I thought I was 20.

EDIT: I posted this nearly 2 weeks ago and just realized today that it never worked.

Things that bug me for no good reason:

• Red, blue, and yellow used together. Death to the primaries! (I am quite certain this is why I can't stand Superman.)
• The Jeopardy theme music.
• The phrase "baby bump."
  

As I promised...

It is unfathomably difficult to take a photo of one's own shoulder.

EDIT: What a horrible picture. I promise it doesn't look quite this bad in reality.

Tat-two

Remind me to post a photo of my latest tattoo

[right here.]

Delicious!

Yeti

Capt. Awesome and I find the coolest shit.

=)

My fifth grade field experience class has restored my faith in humanity.

(At least temporarily.)

LITERALLY

Good question

Do lizards do the nasty or do they just squirt their junk?
--Holly

Snow

Yay!

And I'm not talking about deadly sins

Since no one answered my poll regarding the taste of cheese, here's a short survey:

1.) Have you ever heard of a three-toed sloth? Yes/no?

Told you it was short.

I am amazed that at the number of people around here who have never beheld the magic of a sloth. In fact, the next person who asks me what a sloth is gets a swift kick to the cranium.