Best line in a book, ever:

"Just don't ever try to rob a hot dog man again."

Thanks to Capt. Awesome, I'm finally reading A Confederacy of Dunces. I just wish I had more time to finish it. I love to hate Ignatius J. Reilly. He's the perfect amalgam of everyone I despise.

The one sorta kinda okay thing about the holidays

Christmas lights.

I have a 12 inch dick

Actually, it's a little longer than 12 inches. And I'm not just bragging. See for yourself.


Like the penis cake I made for my friend's lingerie shower/bachelorette party? Not bad for only the second real cake I've ever made, no? I just wish I'd had the proper tools to make it cream-filled.

Scrooge

By Saturday night, I will have attended at least 6 separate Christmas gatherings. I really hate Christmas.

And normally I don't say this because I'm so cold-hearted and emotionless about these things, but Christmas really makes me hate divorce. Not because of all the broken families and tears but because it multiplies the number of Christmas functions I have to attend. Fuck!

It's just this horrible never-ending cycle of family feuds and guilt trip gifts. And really awful food.

Next year, I'm celebrating Festivus.

Y'all

I just got back from a trucker Christmas party. Half the people there were dressed in camo, we ate barbecue, the guest list consisted mostly of people with names like Cornbread, Leadfoot, Gas Cap, Cotton, Rooster, Cat-napper, and Radar*, and everyone at my table stayed in a deep discussion about the best CB radio models currently on the market**.

It surpassed all of my previous experiences with redneck gatherings.

*Those are all real names that I heard tonight, just for the record. I didn't make any of them up. "Cotton" is actually my stepdad's handle. They get really serious about their pseudonyms 'round those parts.

**You definitely want to go with the Cobra 29 series, from what I heard tonight.

Go ahead...

An old lady told me she loved my shoes and asked me where I got them. Damnit! They must be uglier than I thought.

But they're really comfortable. And they were perfect for chasing after misbehaving fifth graders and/or showing off my mad jump-roping skills on the playground.*

*I just ignored the disapproving stares from the other teachers. (They can go suck it.)

When you have one, you just know, a list:

• Epiphany
• Migraine
• Orgasm

Just a thought that randomly popped into my head one night as I was half asleep.

Not another Nacho Libre, oh God

I just saw a preview for a movie based on a couple of Louise Rennison's novels. Which were awesome when I was in junior high, by the way. Hilariously British. They deserve to be adapted to film, so I was really excited until the Nickelodeon logo suddenly popped into frame. Shit. Those aren't children's books! In fact, Rennison is one of the most frequently challenged authors on the ALA lists. Which automatically makes them awesome. So they deserve to be made into real movies.

You can tell they really tried to make them PG and PC because they even took "full-frontal" out of the title and replaced it with "perfect."

Way to rape my childhood.

This isn't my secret yet

But I'm student teaching in fucking first grade next semester. I should not be place in first grade. Reason number one: I say "fuck" a lot and first grade teachers aren't supposed to say "fuck." Reason number two: I have no patience. Reason number three: I really don't like small children.

Note to self:

Never visit The Internet Is Terrible ever again.

It's not really a secret though...

Every time I comment on a PostSecret on here, I get accused of being its owner. Well, this week one of the secrets really does belong to me.

Guesses welcome.

(I feel famous again.)

-isms

As I promised, more stupid things my clinical instructor has said...

---

Dumbass teacher, to 10-year-old students: "Keep your eyes open for Miss Kristen's professor who's coming to observe her. You'll know when you see her because she'll roll in like a Philadelphia lawyer."

Confused student: "What's a Philadelphia lawyer look like?"

Dumbass teacher: "She'll be dressed to the nines! Know what that means?"

Several confused students: "Noooooo..."

Dumbass teacher just shook her head incredulously at her students' apparent lack of knowledge and looked to me for support. She got none. ("Dressed to the nines" works, I guess--just not with students that young.)

(Translation: Kristen's supervisor is coming today, and she's really fancy.)

---

Dumbass teacher: "Today, the rubber hits the road! The rubber HITS THE ROAD! I'm gonna find out who's been in Florida!"

The students just looked around fearfully.

(Translation: Today we are reviewing so I'll be able to see who has been paying attention and who hasn't.)

---

Dumbass teacher to student: "Well, don't go getting your shoes all in a bunch!"

(Translation: There's no need to get upset.)

---

Dumbass teacher to no one in particular: "Well, this is just the gravy on the cake!"

(Translation: I'm upset because I just got in trouble with the principal for not following school policy AGAIN.)

---

Dumbass teacher: "Well, your cat's feathers are all ruffled now!"

(Translation: ???)

---

Dumbass teacher: "You're swimming in high cotton!"

(Translation: ???)

: :: :

During my last day of senior practicum (pre-student teaching, I guess?), I was forced to listen to a parent-teacher conference between my clinical instructor and a mother whose son was having difficulty understanding analogies. (Note: This poor guy wasn't the only kid who didn't understand what the fuck an analogy is, and in a second you'll see why.) Here's the teacher's end of the conversation and what I presume was the mother's responses...

Dumbass teacher: "Well, he seems to be doing okay mostly, but he has a lot of trouble with analogies.

Mom: "Analogies?"

Dumbass teacher: "Oh, you know. Analogies. Um... Like black is to white as white is to red. Analogies."

Mom: "What the FUCK."

Okay, so I'm extrapolating a little on that last one. It's what I was thinking.

As Capt. Awesome so eloquently put it: black is to white as white is to red as penis is to rainbow.

Next time, on The Clumsy Ninja... Dumbass Teacher Strikes Again: More Stupid Things That Fall Out of Her Mouth and Piss Me the Fuck Off.

!!!

I'm famous!

I'm in the latest QC strip, panel 1. Weird. I've never even met Jeph; how does he know what I look like? Creepy.

Well that was fast

This morning, I got up, got ready, packed my things, and pulled out of my parking spot in the carport to go to school. Upon my return, I found that I was unable to pull back into my parking spot inside the carport. Why? Because there was something there. What, you ask?

A new room.

Apparently, we are remodeling and adding onto the house. Hmmmm.

Actually, it was supposed to be under "Man Jam"

I called in a carry-out order at Cracker Barrel today, and they put it under the name "Love Butter." What's worse, the cashier was a sweet little old lady, and it was so hard to keep a straight face when the words "Love Butter" passed her lips. Little old ladies should not say such obscenities.

This is not the first time this has happened.* (The last time it was with Pizza Hut.)

*My last name does sound a little like "Love Butter," especially when I say it while I have a cold (like now).

Good thing I didn't bother applying

My fifth graders are already discussing the ACT scores needed to get into Vanderbilt University.

Apparently, it's a 30.*

*Looks like I just missed it. So much for being impressive to a bunch of 10-year-olds. (Sigh.)

File under: Kids These Days.

Blunt, fatty, joint

Little student dude, holding up a ten-year-old snapshot of his teacher: "Who's this in this picture with you?"

Teacher: "Oh, that's ol' Bo. Doobie's son. Do you know Doobie Johnson?"

Little student dude: "Wha--Doobie?"

Other students in unison: "DOOBIE?! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

(I braced myself for the marijuana jokes.)

Little student dude: "Doobie, Doobie, Doo, where are you? Doo da doo doo doo..."

Other students in unison, once more: "We've got some work to do now!"

It's funny how the first thing I thought of was pot. Fifth graders, cartoons. I'd admire their innocence... If I didn't know them better.

It makes Jesus cry, you know*

I want to stab out the eyes of everyone who puts up a Christmas tree before Thanksgiving.

*Was that over the line?**
**Nah.

Shitshitshitshitshitshit

I forgot to take my online geology quiz again. They always have a Saturday-at-midnight deadline. Guess when I remembered it?

You guessed it.

Shortly after midnight.

GASP

I did something a few days ago that I have not done in forever. It's something that I think I'm not proud of. I'm not quite sure what to think. I guess I'll just let you, my dear reader, be the judge.

I bought a purse bag. I refuse to call it the "p" word. I hate ["p" word]s so much that I've refused to carry one. But now I'm tired of carrying around a wallet in my hand. I need both hands free. And there's this convenient craze with tiny, cross-body ["p" word]s. And I found one that wasn't zebra-striped or hot pink or both* so... I ordered it.

It's the dumbest thing because most girls buy a new ["p" word] every other week, but I'm completely paralyzed with fear over this seemingly insignificant purchase. But cut me some slack... I don't even remember how to operate a ["p" word]! Why didn't it come with an owner's manual? Do I need an operator's license? Where is the expiration date? I've thoroughly checked every pocket for some sort of clue, but all I've found are silica packets and wadded up tissue paper.

I guess I'll just have to wing it.

*A difficult task, to say the least.

I feel so smart...

...because I know how to pronounce the last name Goralczyk.

Suck on that.

Again, Capt. Awesome, just for you

Via Sara McPherson's page of ice cube awesomeness.

That is all

Go see Paranormal Activity.

Road trip

I want throw a dart at an atlas, pack a suitcase with only the necessities, and fill the tank with regular unleaded. Let's buy a Choco Taco at every stop, sleep in cheap motels that smell like cigarettes and air conditioning and have noisy ice machines that rumble right outside all night, and let's stray far from the beaten path. Let's photograph every cemetery, every funny license plate, every world's largest ball of string. Let's be unabashed tourists. And let's never come home.

I wish.

Dirge, dirge, dirge

"Dirge" is a cool word. That is all.

In case you weren't tired of Chuck Norris jokes yet

Spray pattern analysis

Ever been surprised by a sneeze while you have a mouth full of toothpaste? It's pretty amusing.

Capt. Awesome, this is for you

TheZe

I'm so not going to look like this in my own Baroness costume on Halloween. Damn.

*Not a cynic, a realist

I wish I could find a place to live closer to school. The only problem is, there are a lot of problems. Behold my flowchart of doom:



And if I did somehow get everything to work out, then I probably wouldn't be able to find an apartment or something equally stupid like that.*